Second Year

I have been anxiously waiting to finally move in to my new college dorm and see my friends again, but now i am conflicted because I am going to miss home even though i made it very obvious that i didn't want to be here during this interim i had between the end of summer school and the beginning of the annual school year. I will not be able to come back home for a while because i have work on the weekends and my job is located on campus. I don't particularly feel eager to come home anyway. I am going to miss the dear friends that i do leave behind because i have made memories with them and they are one of the few people that i actively try to keep in contact with. I know they are friends that i will keep because i am completely indebted to them for their kindness and empathy. The reason i don't want to come back is because home harbors the memories of difficult times and so acts as a constant reminder of the person i used to be...naive, destructive, unappreciative. That person is so different from who i am now and the friends that i have, i keep because they are growing and maturing with me. Home is like high school, you experience highs and lows and you are eager to leave and expand your horizons, but when you leave you miss it and idealize it in your mind. I am not at that last step yet, but may be if i stay away long enough i will be able to appreciate what waits for me here. So now that i am embarking on the adventure that will be my second year of college i want to share my goals and dreams. I want to make more friends and maybe find some more people that are dear to me. I want to go out on a date or two. I want to be more spontaneous, happy, and fun and even if i am not truly happy i hope i can put on a brave face and force myself to smile enough until i actually feel happy. I really hope i can control my spending. I really really hope that i focus on my academics because i owe so much to those individuals who act so selflessly in paying for my education. I hope i can exercise more patience and learn not to judge people so quickly. I especially hope that i become effervescent enough to make others happy and make them laugh. I hope i learn to keep my fears and doubts to myself and instead share my hopes and dreams.

Finally! The Forgotten

I am sure that many music lovers have gone through music phases in which their lives, even for just a moment, was defined by a certain song or genre. For example, in middle school (specifically 8th grade) i went through and ill-conceived and half-assed punk phase based on the childish desire to fit in with the cool kids who at the time seemed like the ultimate rebels. Luckily, i now realize that just wearing eyeliner, having a studded belt, and a plaid skirt does not qualify someone as punk. Ok so back to the main point. Around the end of 9th grade i started getting into the band Cute Is What We Aim For and during the summer i listened to their song titled "Moan" and i thought it was the one of the best songs because it was so catchy and fast-paced. (sidenote: I found the song on myspace in 2007, i know right that was such a long time ago! lol when myspace was cool!). I was obsessed with the song for days and after finishing that phase i forgot to write down the name of the song and i even went back on myspace to check what the title was but to no avail ( sidenote: i didn't know the song title because it wasn't on the band page, it was instead on the Alternative Press page and i couldn't download it on my ipod because it was a song they had recorded specifically for AP). I am glad to say that today i finally remembered to just search for it instead of sitting around hoping for the title to just pop in my head and the song is still super awesome and it makes me want to get off the seat and dance and sing. There is also another song that i found recently by the Violent Femmes called "Blister in the Sun" and it is an awesome pervy and catchy song that you can sing in the car and have lots of fun singing to. Please do check out these songs! Today is awesome! Two forgotten songs in one day!!

Supergrass - Alright

I thought this might be helpful for some people who keep hearing this song in commercials but can't identify it. It also helps that it is pretty damn catchy.

The xx - VCR

one of my favorite songs at the moment. I am currently learning how to play it on guitar.

L.A. County Fair 2011

So this past Sunday my family and I decided to go to the L.A. county fair so we could spend some family time together. Everything was pretty normal and fun for the most part. I was constantly tempted to eat delicious, but fattening Fair foods such as funnel cakes, onion rings, fries, fried kool-aid, fried twinkies, fried oreos, so basically everything that could possibly lead to cardiac arrest. I went on rides with my brother that were pretty underwhelming. We actually spent 10 tickets each on of those rides that looks like a mini oval-shaped ferris wheel with seats for two that spin around at 180 degrees or more that lasted about a minute, and half of that minute was spent getting new people on the ride. I expect at least 2 minutes of terror if i am going to spend 10 tickets on a ride that leads me to start thinking of a horrific death the likes of those seen on the final destination movies. There was also this awesome ride that lasted a whole minute and made me feel like my arms and legs were going to be torn off from the sheer speed. Yeah, the day was going pretty well. I saw a chubby girl get knocked off of the mechanical bull ride, i saw a parade of beautiful vintage cars, i saw two trained bears (tootsie & lucy) doing tricks ( I felt guilty that they were restrained with a leash and a kind of muzzle, but they were also really cute). The only thing that almost dampened my day was when i went to buy two tickets to the living body museum at the fair. Everything was normal at first, i told the clerk/ticket lady that i wanted to buy two tickets and i gave her my debit card, then she asked for my ID, so i gave her my ID and when she looked at my ID and my age she gave a very surprising face (o_O), almost in disbelief that this seemingly underage girl was actually 19 years old. Then cue the hysterical laughter from my family and my begrudging acceptance of the situation. My mom then proceeds to tell the ticket lady that i am a "traga anos" ( person who absorbs/eats years). The laughter lasted a while... oh gosh! it was embarrassing. My mom was the only one that kept laughing after everyone had gotten over the situation. Oh, how I love my mom.

Yeah Yeah Yeahs - Porcelain

Quotes

Love:

"Being deeply loved by someone gives you strength, while loving someone deeply gives you courage."

-Lao-tzu

"Love is an irresistable desire to be irresistably desired."

-Anonymous

"Never ignore a person who loves you, cares for you, and misses you. Because one day, you might wake up from your sleep and realize that you lost the moon while counting the stars."

-Anonymous

"It is not a lack of love, but a lack of friendship that makes unhappy marriages."

-Anonymous

“When I saw you I fell in love and you smiled because you knew.”

-William Shakespeare

"Anything less than mad, passionate, extraordinary love is a waste of your time”

-Dream for an Insomniac

Kindness and Friendship:

"Kindness in words creates confidence. Kindness in thinking creates profoundness. Kindness in giving creates love."

-Lao-tzu

“Be with those who help your being”

-Rumi

Courage & Will:

"He who fights with monsters might take care lest he thereby become a monster. And if you gaze for long into an abyss, the abyss gazes also into you."

- Friedrich Nietzsche

"Cowards die many times before their deaths, The valiant never taste of death but once."

-William Shakespeare

"Nothing contributes so much to tranquilize the mind as a steady purpose - a point on which the soul may fix its intellectual eye."

-Mary Shelley

“You do what you love and fuck the rest”

-Little Miss Sunshine

Music:

"My melancholy wants to rest in the hiding places and abysses of perfection. This is why I need music."

-Friedrich Nietzsche

"In Music the passions enjoy themselves."

-Friedrich Nietzsche

Where did my passion go?

I don’t want to read. I don’t want to pay attention in class. I don’t want to go the extra mile. I have become so indifferent and it scares me. I lost the passions that pushed and pulled me here and there. I lost the drive that made me study for many hours straight or run so fast that eventually I stopped feeling pain because I had gotten to that state of peace of mind and body. I feel more lonely than ever, more isolated, as if an island. It doesn’t feel sad most of the time, but the feeling passes through me in moments and it feels overwhelming like the ever-engulfing wave and then I am thrown to the shores back to misty life, and it feels bearable. I have lost the person I was, but sometimes I feel like it was for the best because I didn’t like who I was with him. I am more appreciative of my friends. I try to tell them how much I care for them everyday, try to keep in contact but the dwindling numbers make it more difficult when they leave me. I’ve lost my scholarly presence to gain a greater appreciation for the human things that I have and hopefully someday soon I can come to terms with both and have them coexist equally without one overtaking another in little more than moments. I want to regain that artist that was so meticulous, that scholar that studied for 2 days straight before the AP Bio Exam, that runner that pushed herself to sprint in order to beat that Mayfair girl (Lauren) at her last Cluster Race. I want that person to exist with the person I am now, the girl that appreciates Maria and tells her “I Love You and thank you for being the amazing friend that you are”, that person that has let go of those people that don’t matter anymore because they never really mattered in the first place, that person that now knows who to trust, but doesn’t have a wall built up against future friendships, that girl that now knows that you don’t need to be in a relationship to make you happy, even though it is hard to be truly happy after such great pain, but I will get there. I want you two to meet and be together forever in the recesses of my mind and spirit, so I have a guide to rely on if I am too proud to speak of my problems or too wary of burdening dear friends with them.